TT Challenge III: Week 3, Day 3

Conspicuous by my absence! Fair to say the past five days have not been as good as they should have been. Think all the recent happenings in my life caught up with me, plus a little family thing, and I had a 'moment'... that went on for several days of not so good eating and no official exercise. I knew setting up my business and doing another TT challenge was going to be... well, a challenge! I should be able to catch up with my workouts if I do another on Friday and then Sunday. Will do my first workout for next week on Tuesday and by the end of next week will be back to Mon, Wed, Fri. Don't really mind which days I work out, as long as I actually do three a week plus a few walks/yoga etc.

After two weeks of TT beginner to 'warm me up' I have move to TT intermediate. I have done both these programs already earlier in the year so am a bit board with them but want to take it easy to avoid aggravating my back. It did twinge a bit this morning doing a couple of exercises but I was careful.

I have a confession. I have always said that I love exercise and working out... but it has been a lie. I confess. Deep down, I really don't enjoy it. Never have. Just know I have to do it as it is good for me. Sometimes I have 'moments' when it is not so bad. I sometimes enjoy parts of the resistance work outs and I enjoy walking (sometimes) and when I am fit I love the feeling but the thought of having to exercise everyday, at least three times a week for the rest of my life literally makes me feel sick sometimes. I just try to push the thought out of my mind before it gets in too far. It is more that I am always thinking of 'all the other things' that I need to be doing or want to be doing. It's all in my mind. I know that. But no matter how hard I try, how much I read, how much I persist the fact remains that most nights (actually every night) before I am due to work out the next morning I get a sense of dread. If I don't have a workout scheduled, I am up and out of bed like a rocket, scoffing down breakfast, jumping in the shower and getting stuck into whatever it is that I have to do. No problem.

I have another confession. The thought of eating 'the right' food for the rest of my life (when I let it get into my mind too far) almost makes me want to cry. I get that sick feeling of dread again. Don't get me wrong. I love fresh fruit and vegetables. But I also love muffins, McDonalds every now and again, a nice warm steak and vege pie every now and again - or a couple of pieces of toast with butter and jam on them for breakfast instead of protein shakes or oats (actually I prefer that every morning). I love nice warm, stodgy steam chocolate puddings with vanilla ice cream and carrot cake with cream and a nice hot long black every now and again. And... even worse, my every now and again is probably more like weekly (or even daily sometimes!).

When I do it long enough and try hard enough I do start to 'accept' it and it is not so hard for a while but it never lasts. I always end up going back to what I was doing before - because I simply find it more enjoyable. Food (yummy, naughty food) is where I obtain some of the small snippets of pleasure I crave during my otherwise routine day. Exercise - well, if I was a zillionaire and had all the time in the world I think I would enjoy it but to me it mostly feels like something I 'have' to do, an interruption to my day that I just want to get over and done with so I can start my day. And when things go badly in my life - well, it is a big enough challenge doing the right thing when I am feeling great, when things are shitty...

So there. I have said it. Don't worry, I am still going to work my butt off and push myself as much as I can, for the rest of my life, to maintain a regular exercise routine and eat healthily. I am also going to continue to try and 'change my mindset' and perhaps one day 'it will happen' and I will look back at what I have just written and laugh at myself. At the moment is is a Yin and Yang thing.